I grew up in Massachusetts, about 40 miles southeast of
Plymouth. My ancestors arrived in New England from Scotland in the 1640s and
for generations were members of the Congregational Church, the forerunner of
the UCC. It is not surprising that I first encountered Jesus in a little, white
Congregational Church built in the mid-1800s that my family had been members of
for one hundred years. I also met the Lord in the pages of the Revised Standard
Version Bible that I was given at my confirmation. I was fascinated and
enthralled by the Jesus of the New Testament. I knew from an early age that I
wanted to follow Him and to know Him. I was a sensitive, quiet, introspective, and very religious little boy.
And yet there was something very different about me. When I
was 10, on a particularly cold and rainy day, my sister and I had nothing
better to do than play dress up. For reasons that escape me now, we decided
that I would put on a dress and a pair of Mother’s high heels. What started as a simple game turned into
something so very much more. I felt my heart racing. I felt butterflies in my
stomach. I began to tremble. Women’s
clothing ... wearing women’s clothing struck a deep primal chord in my soul.
As I grew older, I became more immersed in Scripture. The
idea of the just God who wanted to set the world right became my worldview. I
read Dickens in high school. The Social
Gospel of Jesus appealed to me. An influential teacher and my family doctor
were both Quakers, and I began to attend Quaker meetings regularly. Contemplative prayer and social action
became the focus of my religious faith. I wanted to do great things for God and
the world. I read everything I could get by C.S. Lewis, Thomas Merton, and a
variety of Quaker authors including Douglas Steere and Thomas Kelly.
By high school, my cross-dressing was a regular occurrence. I
would wear my mother’s clothing every chance I could. When my parents were gone
for the weekend, I would dress from head to toe as a woman. It felt natural,
relaxing, and intensely sexual. I watched girls closely, but not so much with a
desire to be with them as to be one of them. Yet, as wonderful as the cross-dressing sessions felt, after they were
over I was filled with shame. I felt isolated and alone. I believed I was
sinful and broken. I believed that I was the only person in the world who had
this “problem.” I believed I was a bad and deficient person because of my cross-dressing and inner desire to be female.
Finishing college with a major in political science and a
minor in education, I served for three years as a ministry volunteer with an
Appalachian Christian service group in the mountains of Eastern Kentucky – an
area of extreme beauty, but also an area scarred with the ravages of poverty and environmental exploitation. After my time of
voluntary service ended, I stayed in Eastern Kentucky working as a paralegal in
a local legal aid office. Throughout the
period, I remained a closeted cross-dresser.
I returned to New England, attended law school in Boston,
graduated, passed the bar, and headed south again to the Carolinas, where I have
lived ever since. I became a specialist
in consumer law and bankruptcy law. By the mid-1990s, however, I was worn down by the demands of my job, my
uncontrollable need to cross-dress, and the shame that I felt over it. I began
attending a 12-step group to “cure” myself of cross-dressing. Needless to say,
I failed terribly in my efforts to stifle my gender expression. I was anxious
and terribly depressed. I became suicidal and seriously contemplated taking my
own life.
God’s love came to me in the form of a compassionate
supervisor who allowed me to go on an extended sabbatical. I learned to practice breath prayer, particularly the Jesus Prayer, “Lord
Jesus Christ, have mercy on me,” during this period and to disconnect my mind
from the tyranny of self-destructive, judgmental thinking. I found a book called The Spirituality of Imperfection by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine
Ketcham that changed my life. I learned
that I could be imperfect and even fail often and still be loved and used
by God. I also read extensively on gender dysphoria. I realized that I was not
alone and was not defective or a bad person because of my discomfort with the
gender I was born in.
Over time I found new ways to be true to myself. By the turn
of the century, I had changed jobs, still practicing law but in a way that was
more comfortable for me and less stressful. I changed denominations, finding in
the Episcopal Church a church that practiced the ancient traditions of
liturgical worship while striving to confront the social problems of our time. Through the Episcopal Church, I have a formal ministry of Pastoral Care serving
as a volunteer chaplain at three local nursing homes.
I also discovered Second Life. Second Life provided me an
outlet to live full time in the avatar of a woman. This was emotionally and
spiritually satisfying for me and mended a piece of my heart and soul that felt
torn over the years. I cross-dress regularly in real life and venture into
public when I feel the need. I have
decided not to explore a change of genders, given my age and out of respect for
family and colleagues that such a transition would be hard on. I have found peace
in my gender identity and how I personally have chosen to express it through
the grace of God.
I have come full circle returning to the United Church of
Christ, becoming a Member, Guide, and Board Member of First UCC Second
Life. I cherish my online church family. We have grown together as a loving expression of the Body of Christ, sharing
our concerns for one another in prayer, worship, study, and communion. We have
also become a beacon of Christ’s light in Second Life, reaching out in Love to the people behind the avatars that
populate the reality that is this virtual world.
I am grateful to God for His protection, guidance, and grace. I am grateful for the many ways First UCC SL has touched my heart and helped me
to grow as a Christian. I am grateful for my brothers and sisters in First UCC
SL. I am grateful for their love and how their acceptance of me “just as I am”
has lifted me up in the faith. They have inspired me and helped sustain my
ministry in real life and Second Life. I am truly blessed to be part of the
ministry of this real church in a virtual world ... a ministry that is nothing
less than spreading the Good News about how deeply and totally we are all loved by the God who chose to die that we
might live.
Grace and Peace,
Veronica Johhannsen
